By J.P.

Clowns have been in the news for all the wrong reasons over the past couple years, from creepy ones terrorizing towns to Pennywise lurking in sewers. To this end, Elite Daily has come up with a list of eight things anyone who’s scared of clowns can relate to:

1-The circus. I don’t care if the tent is “pretty,” because even driving past it makes my stomach turn and my forehead sweat.

2-Kids’ birthday parties. Since when was it OK to allow a man or a woman with exaggerated makeup, oversized clothes, and a large red nose to enter your home and entertain your children and their friends? That doesn’t even sound enjoyable; it seems more like the plot of a Stephen King book.

3-Goofy’s shoes at Disneyland. The next time you’re at Disneyland, look down at Goofy’s feet. Those things are illegally huge and clown-like.

4-Clown-themed food or drinks. A clown town cocktail consists of a half ounce of peach schnapps and a full cup of get it the hell out of my face. Consuming anything involving the word “clown” is out of the question.

5-People with high-pitched laughs. Look, we’ve always been taught that people are beautiful on the inside and out. But when that particularly terrifying laugh exits out of the mouth of anyone, please expect us to be darting in the other direction and hightailing it for the exit.

6-Mimes. Mimes are too close to clowns. They may not say anything or make noise, but it’s basically like a clown plotting a silent attack.

7-Jugglers. Clowns are known to do about anything for attention, and that includes juggling. How do we know that your clown homeboy who taught you to juggle isn’t lurking somewhere nearby?

8-McDonald’s. Ronald McDonald in no way makes me want to order a meal. In fact, the very thought of him handing me a Big Mac gives me an anxiety attack just thinking about it.

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